Every now and then, we form relationships in friendship and romance. Sometimes we keep them, half the time, we don’t. But why does everyone buy into this “I need closure for peace” bullshit? Is it because society has romanticized so much the idea that things shouldn’t just go out the door? That everything that goes, always demands to be explained? And what does that leave those who don’t get any? It seems rather unfair does it? Here’s a list of why I think closure is bullshit:
- It doesn’t spare you from the pain that’s already there, it emphasizes it – Okay, anybody who’s anybody already knows that being left behind sucks, especially when it happened all of a sudden, with no explanation, or justification at all. When you run around asking yourself over and over why it happened, it leaves you going in endless circles, instead of using that time for productivity. It doesn’t bring back the peace that went with them when they left. It not only makes you frustrated, it causes you to:
- Blame yourself for what happened – this probably leaves all of us guilty when somebody walks out of our lives. We often think we did something too much or not enough, when in reality, half the time, it really wasn’t our fault. Sometimes, people just become too fucked up to function normally in keeping or staying in a relationship, and the other half, they do not have the balls to be an adult and say what they really feel. They head for the easier choice to just walk away. We would tend to go after a person, even if it meant you swallowing your pride and doing things you’re not supposed to be doing. It causes you to be even more frustrated and in the end, to pity or look down on yourself.
- You are left with frustrations and millions of unanswered questions – need I say more?
- It tends to ruin the beautiful thing that’s already in front of you – this is common for people who are already in new relationships but are still hung up on their past. They would run around with questions still in mind and when these take a toll on them, they tend to ruin the good things they gained in that loss. You know how this story goes right? Your new guy/girl finds out about your “secret” hung up emotions on someone and they feel they’re not enough or that they were only used as rebound. It can really make it harder for you to acknowledge the window that opened when you’re stuck staring at the door that closed.
- Your questions will most likely NEVER be answered – If you no longer have been speaking with that person for at least half a year, don’t fall into that hope that there is any more chance of ever fixing things again. If the person has gone through that much time without communication, chances are, they never really want to communicate anymore. Also, they are likely a different person now from how you used to know them.
- You romanticize someone or something that is no longer there – you know how that clichè goes, “you miss the memories, not the person?”, Actually, you miss both. You’d want to know why it was so easy for them to leave you just like that, why it seems you never truly mattered to that person, and you replay it in that little head of yours and you can’t let go of what is now gone. Which leads us back to no. 5, if you’re ever able to talk to them again (which is probably after a long time), chances, you’re still hung up on an already different person.
- You get sucked into this societal whirlpool that romanticizes pain and being left behind – as bad as it sounds, it’s true. Ever wonder why “being left” quotes, posts and pictures are very popular on facebook and twitter? It’s because society portrays it as something that happens to make you special. Well it doesn’t. Everyone is entitled to their pain, everyone is allowed to feel it, to express it. But there is a better way than just airing your frustrations and questions online. My friend, Jerome and I were just talking about this last night. He would always tell me there are better ways to handle situations but I never understood his point. (He’s 4 years older than me, get the picture?) I was telling him about this close friend who ‘left’ me after years of friendship. He then told me “there you go. One of the first steps to really changing the way you handle a situation, is to change the way you talk about the situation. It may be negative, but it doesn’t have to be talked about that way. Instead of saying “my friend who left me”, you can say “my former friend”, sounds better doesn’t it? Try it. The next thing you know, you’re off to bigger and better changes.” I have never felt so childish my entire life. So there, you can either be an adult, suck it up, accept that people leave, but windows always open, and direct that negative energy into something productive. It doesn’t necessarily mean you become a work-a-holic, but if it works for you, do it! You can always find new hobbies like mountaineering or simply be creative in writing, music or arts.
- It hinders your growth as a person – Although this is true, you have to admit that there is a part of you that doesn’t want to move on. This is because more than half the time, you are on that false hope that things will get back to how they used to be, or that person will come back for you. You’re stuck in that situation, you can’t progress because you don’t want to. It also adds more to the reason why you can’t accept what has happened, and demand an explanation which you may never get.
- It causes you to not accept things until they are explained – Everyone demands to know why they have been left. They have an itching need to justify their pain, or else they can’t accept it. They can’t accept the fact, that it just happens. As naturally as death. People get tired, people leave, or they have their reasons, and no amount of closure can ever undo the pain and the agony of having to go through asking endless questions, zero answers and the degree of how much you hate yourself afterwards for what happened.
But leaving always happens. Half the time, there really isn’t much or there isn’t anything to explain at all, and this what we fear the most. That we were never really worth one. That maybe, it just happened for no reason at all.